Should We Compensate Our Son More When He Receives Less Than His Sister’s Family?
Dear Quentin,
I have a query about managing a specific financial scenario. My spouse and I consistently strive to ensure fairness between our two kids, but we’re finding it challenging lately to define what truly qualifies as equitable treatment. Our daughter, aged 33, is married and has one child; meanwhile, our son, at 30 years old, remains single. Despite their comparable earnings levels, our daughter incurs greater costs due to supporting both her partner—who earns very little—and her young offspring.
Previously, we used to visit and reside at our daughter’s and her spouse’s place. However, my son bought a bigger house than he originally intended so that we could comfortably live with him—this decision also resulted in him having a higher mortgage payment. He has been extremely hospitable and permits us to stay over anytime we wish and as long as we desire, giving us complete access to both his residence and vehicle.
‘He has been exceptionally hospitable and permits us to stay as often and for as long as we desire.’
Whenever we visit, we make sure to buy groceries and cook meals for him. However, it often turns out that our daughter and her family receive more due to their larger household size. When it comes to presents, we usually spend thrice as much on our daughter’s family compared to our son. Now, instead of just five days each year before the arrival of our granddaughter, we stay with him for around three months annually.
I aim to be as impartial as I can and prevent any future ill feelings. How should we handle this situation? Is it reasonable to provide my son with a specific daily allowance during our visits? Alternatively, would it make sense to allocate equal sums annually for presents so that my son receives what both his sister and her family get together, or is it justified to spend more on his sister considering she has a larger household?
It seems like my son is constantly coming up short, yet he never voices any complaints. I wouldn’t want to exploit his goodness.
Aim to Be Equitable Parents
Dear Fair,
In expressing your emotions through your letter, you’ve made it clear that when giving money to your daughter and her family, you also wish to provide equivalent compensation to your son. Therefore, my response is affirmative. Should your inner moral compass be nudging you with concern while preparing presents for your daughter and her family, it signifies that your instincts are guiding you toward ensuring your son receives equal financial backing as your daughter does.
Your situation doesn’t have a correct or incorrect solution, and connections—especially those within families—are often influenced by chance encounters, closeness of location, and appropriate moments. Given that your daughter is now married and has a child, she might lack the room or possibly the availability to welcome you and your spouse into her home. It seems clear from what you’ve shared that this understanding brings you no resentment towards her. Based on your message, it sounds like you maintain close ties with both offspring and feel glad about being able to assist each of them as needed.
All those financial presents accumulate.
However, if you’re contributing $1,000 to your daughter’s family now and then, those amounts can accumulate over time. Additionally, I see nothing wrong with demonstrating kindness and good will towards an adult offspring who dedicates effort into maintaining a connection as you navigate later stages of life. Certainly, should your son find someone special on his own, it might affect how things currently stand between you two. Yet, enduring relationships tend to adapt and accommodate various changes and phases.
A member from the Moneyist Facebook group shared this perspective on your situation: “I have one child who isn’t married and another who is married with two children. For smaller occasions such as birthdays and Christmas, the family with more people logically receives greater ‘value’ in terms of presents since there are simply more recipients. However, when giving substantial ‘family’ gifts—such as money—I’ve been explicit with both sons about ensuring each receives equivalent worth.”
Familial relationships, like others, can be influenced by chance encounters, closeness in location, and the right moment.
The married son has ample income and doesn’t require additional funds, so we plan to provide support through contributing to a Roth IRA for his oldest child and a 529 college savings plan for his youngest one,” explained the reader. “As for my single son who gets monetary gifts directly, I consider these contributions as an advance on their inheritance, ensuring they’re evenly distributed among all siblings to avoid any ill will after I pass away.
What steps should you take next? It would be wise to openly communicate with your son about wanting fairness and equality when dealing with all of your children. Instead of discreetly managing finances among them, express your desire for equity. This approach may help him better appreciate your intentions just like your daughter has over time. During your stay at his place, consider making monetary contributions towards expenses such as utilities, groceries, or even part of his mortgage payments.
You’re among the fortunate few.
I frequently get letters from parents who feel wounded and enraged and want to cut off their children’s inheritance (often for valid reasons).
This woman
She mentioned that she has been disconnected from her daughter for two decades. “There hasn’t been any communication between us; neither of us reaches out. In all this time, I haven’t laid eyes on my grandchildren or even my great-grandchildren,” she stated. “Once I am gone, I plan on ensuring that she and her close relatives receive nothing.”
You’re among the fortunate few.
A 2022 study
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family examined data from over 16,000 individuals across the country and discovered that 6% of participants acknowledged being estranged from their mothers, whereas 26% indicated they were distanced from their fathers. Despite all the effort and emotion invested, certain parental bonds can ultimately lead to feelings of rage, bitterness, and complete silence between parents and children.
Split your funds equally and savor each moment.
You can send your financial and ethical queries via email to The Moneyist at qfottrell@, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, which was previously called Twitter.
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